Make over your marriage

Marriage is not for the faint-hearted. It takes hard work and commitment. We asked a long-time happily married couple, a marriage counsellor and a divorce lawyer for tips and advice for marriage makeovers that work.

Happily married

Val and Monty Mildren from Durban share a powerful bond born of an abiding friendship since primary school. 'I had my eye on Monty from as far back as Standard 3!' laughs Val.

After a long courtship, the Mildrens were married in 1958. Forty-eight years, three children and five grandchildren later, the couple says that for them, the time has 'flown'. Monty retired in 1997 and instead of battling with the adjustment as many couples do, the change of lifestyle brought them closer together. 'Apart from being more in love than ever, we are compatible and share the same values. I think marriages today are under a lot more pressure. For starters, money doesn't buy what it used to, and most couples need two salaries. Working couples with young children have very little time to relax and enjoy their home or spend time together,' says Monty.

Val says, 'I was privileged not to have had to work outside the home, which I think made a difference – I was able to spend a lot of time with Monty and the children without having to juggle a home with a career. 'Also, we have never placed any importance on "keeping up with the Joneses." Our children didn't always get everything their friends had, but we are a very close-knit family. If both partners don't share the same values there are bound to be problems. Total respect for each other is also very important and a sense of humour is a must. Monty and I always seem to find something to laugh about.'
'Finances are also a big issue,' Monty adds. 'Many marriages have ended because of arguments about money. It's important that couples agree on a target, such as your plans for retirement, and live according to a budget that falls within your means.'

The counsellor

Cathy Haselau is a social worker in private practice. She specialises in marital and family therapy. A former counsellor at the Family and Marriage Society of South Africa (FAMSA), Cathy has 19 years of relationship counselling experience. 'In most cases, problems arise when couples fight as a result of misunderstanding each other and poor communication. Issues can include the in-laws, one of the partners having an affair, money matters, chores, child-care responsibilities, and parenting methods and the demands of step-parenting.
'Often an argument arises over a small issue and escalates because both partners are feeling hurt and they become reactive and defensive. They then begin to use destructive, hostile communication such as blaming, contempt and ignoring each other. This obviously increases the hurt and the reactivity and so the vicious cycle gets worse,' according to Cathy.

'Couples need to affirm each other. The American psychologist and author John Gottman did research that shows that in a good marriage it takes five positive communications to balance just one negative one. Therefore, if you have a fight and you use 100 negative communications, you will need 500 positive communications to balance it out. Couples need to look out actively for the positive energy in the marriage, build it and not take it for granted.'

The divorce lawyer

Roger Knowles is an attorney, lecturer and author, specialising in divorce and family law. 'My views are based on failing relationships, as I rarely see people in healthy relationships. Most marriages break down for a combination of reasons, such as communication and preconceived expectations. People don't communicate very well. Couples need to listen – really listen – with a genuine willingness to try and understand each other. Also, most people seem to have an idea of what marriage as an institution should be, and have never really asked themselves or their spouses what is possible or desirable or best for them. They may try to impose what a marriage should be onto the relationship, without taking into account the fact that individuals, times and circumstances constantly change. Couples also need to understand how far removed the wonderful madness of romance is from the real world. A lot of relationships don't survive that transition.'

According to Roger Knowles, these are some of the most common reasons cited in divorce summonses:

• lack of communication
• constant arguing
• no longer sharing common interests
• infidelity
• physical abuse
• emotional abuse
• substance abuse
• lack of a sexual relationship.

Makeover tips for marriages

• Always show respect and kindness towards each other. Monty Mildren says that while he and Val do have disagreements, they have never used unkind words towards each other.
• Learn to communicate effectively and allow your partner to have different views without taking offence or making offensive remarks. Be gentle and tolerant with each other.
• Ensure that you set goals together and plan ahead – this includes a budget.
• Newlyweds need to learn to balance their time so that each has individual time as well as couple time.
• A new baby can really disrupt a relationship. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family or friends, or find a babysitter so that each person has personal time, and there is space in your schedule for couple time together. And don't forget that in the chaos a new baby brings, it is okay to have an untidy house.
• Do things together as much as possible. 'Each partner must have a life, but they must also spend a lot of it with their partner,' says Roger Knowles. 'Time and time again I am told by tearful about-to-be divorcées that their spouses are forever working, or playing golf – or going out without them.'
• Don't allow your marriage to become boring. 'Make sure you have fun time alone together, without children, family or friends. Don't take each other for granted. Give each other fun surprises. If you have fun outside the bedroom you are more likely to have fun inside the bedroom,' advises Cathy Haselau.
• Laugh often. Share jokes and recall funny situations. Laughter is a great connector and it's hard to stay angry when you're laughing.
• Share chores. 'This can become a problem when chores and child care are allocated according to tradition, and one person carries more of the load and resents it. The couple needs to negotiate so that both contribute fairly and equally,' says Cathy.
• Stay faithful by expressing your needs and concerns to each other directly. Be open and honest, and put energy into your marriage. Solve problems in the marriage, not outside it.
• Children leaving the nest? One or both of you retiring? Look at it as an opportunity to rekindle your relationship and set new joint dreams and targets.
• 'I would recommend marriage counselling as soon as problems occur,' says Cathy. 'The earlier these problems are addressed the easier it is to sort them out. Even if your partner refuses to go, it's important to go on your own to help you to cope.'

Ref: http://www.women24.com/Ideas/ContentDisplay/Ideas_ArticleDisplay/0,12069,10132,00.html